Shopping for the rug to sweep me under.
You've become allergic to my smile.
Your looks will last a little longer.
Seemed almost lifelike for a while.

Can't afford to buy your love. I can't even rent it.
It'll never be enough. You've already spent it.
Your words shot straight into my head
Now baby I'm deeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaad.

I'm not the cure to all your sickness.
And I'm not the answer to your dreams.
When good news breaks, you'd better fix it.
I'm not the puzzle piece you need.

Can't afford to buy your love. I can't even rent it.
It'll never be enough. You've already spent it.
Your words shot straight into my head
Now baby I'm deeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaad.

Hey, hey. Is anything ok?
And if it were, would it matter anyway?
Your words shot straight into my head
Now baby I'm deeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaad.

Can't afford to buy your love. I can't even rent it.
It'll never be enough. You've already spent it.
Your words shot straight into my head
Now baby I'm deeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaad.

We've got bellies, filling quickly.
We've got leaders filled with lies.
They've got armies in their pockets,
We've got empty, in our eyes.

We've got poisons in our water.
Got a feel for being conned.
Got agents in our data.
We've got plastic, in our blondes.
I'm goin' back, to the bad old days.
Goin' back to my dirty ways.

Got computers, filled with nothing.
Skies running out of air.
We've got memories, watch us scatter,
'Cause we're running out of chairs.

Every moral has a story.
Where there's fire, there's probably smoke.
You might not see anyone laughing.
Guess we never got the joke.
I'm goin'back...

I have a tale to tell, of a righteous young boy
Who stumbled upon a dastardly ploy.
Overheard rodmen say something like this:
"That imitation crab is really just fish!"

The boy's love for seafood, was well renowned
To hear of this fraud must be stopped, here and now
He swore, did this child, once he was of age
He'd find those fishmongers, and end this outrage.

He took up his school'n, learned to write and to read
Found map charting skills he would need to succeed
He'd travel vast waters and with no regrets,
Put an end to this madness, of pollak filled nets

Despite his foul stench and his tenacity,
He's friends to you, and he's friends to the sea.
He travels through oceans, ever so macho.
It's the tale of the voyage of Captain Muchachoooooooo

As he plotted his ploy, he learned greater things
Baby carrots are carrots, that's just market-ing.
Juice boxes lack juice, and that garden burger sir, has no meat within!
There's no ham in hamburger!

Fast forward some years, and not long ago.
Muchacho at the helm, first mate "Enemigo".
Found themselves floating on the great Bering Sea,
On a paddle boat from Lowes they'd sneak on the scene.

Tide flowing out, ocean black opal
Cold and paddling hard, Muchacho was hopeful,
They'd reach the place, where damned pollack spawn
He'd take dynamite, blow them up, blood red dawn!

But before they could find, this location of fate,
The wind picked up fierce, blew the dinghy with hate.
Muchacho and crew, Enemigo by his side,
Were thrown from starboard, and they sank, and they died.

You won't find a moral, no matter your wishes,
Now the Venerable, Captain Senor Doctor Alejandro Terrible Gutierrez-de-Esquire Bibliotecha Conchita-Alonzo Muchacho... swims with the fishes.

I don't wanna know what's on your mind.
Don't care if your kitchen has been redesigned.
And all your band's events, I won't attend.
I don't wanna be your Facebook friend.

Facebook Friend (Don't wanna be your)
Facebook Friend

Don't wanna see your horoscope
Or hear your half-cooked anecdotes.
Don't care for the politics that you defend.
I don't wanna be your Facebook friend.

Facebook Friend (Don't wanna be your)
Facebook Friend

Don't really dig your Farmville chores
Not gonna fight in your Mafia Wars
Won't play your games, no, I won't condescend
I don't wanna be your Facebook friend.

Don't wanna be your late night text
Not gonna be your chat room sex
Why you poke me I don't comprehend.
I don't wanna be your Facebook friend.

Facebook Friend (Don't wanna be your)
Facebook Friend

You know I'm kinda good looking.
You're not terribly dumb
Yeah we're not really attracted
But still we're kinda turned on

I've got a future like falling stocks.
You've got a mouth like a mailbox.
Evil eyes. Evil grin.
Open your doggie-door, I'll crawl back in.

Fake fur. Fake I.D.
Fake you. And fake me.
My excuse. Your mistake.
Turns out everything we had was fake
Turns out everything we had was fake

All my thoughts are batting zero.
Supermarket? Superhero?
I'm no Stone and I'm no Beatle.
Cover's blown. I'm going fetal.
This is the place when I start to speak.
This is the part where you turn to leave.
This is how you get off
This is the time that I go soft

Looks like everything we had was fake

Got me a house, some scratch in the bank!
I've still got a job, but I've still got angst!
Made questionable choices I'm no apologist!
And every 12 months, I see my proctologist!

This is my rap songgggggg (What!)
Yeah this is my rap songgggg (Boooooyyyyyy!)
Yeah this is my rap songgggg (Yeah, this is his rap song)

Sundays I mow the lawn like pop did.
I got 2 little dogs, and 2-point-four kids.
I go to the gym so my belly won't shake!
Sometimes I eat pie!
Sometimes I eat cake!

I used to get high. I used to get wrecked.
Now every 3 months-get my cholesterol checked.
Some guys will smoke you. Some start a blood feud.
If you mess with me…well you might get sued.

Used to spend money, every which way.
Now I diversify funds in my 401-K.
All of my friends used to envy my life.
Now I watch Gossip Girl, Monday nights with my wife

Chill in my Jockeys all-night-long.
Took me thirteen minutes to write this song.
But hey my friends, it don't get much macker.
When I get to rock your asses with these CRACKERS

She'll spark a fire that soon will fizzle.
Had a brainstorm once (Much like a drizzle).
God, look at you: You truly glisten!
Talk a bit louder.
I'll pretend to listen.

So sweet you're giving us a big ol' cavity.
Off your feet again, defying gravity.
Sad as a lad who's never been hugged.
Bright as a light that's come unplugged.

Hey, Ritalin Barbie.
With your head in the clouds.
What do you say, Ritalin Barbie?
When the voices get loud.

Your actions louder than what you're saying.
Always go too far and you're always staying.
You starve your soul and you fix your face up.
You gotta go now.
Can't you pick the pace up?

You're saying prayers and counting your sheep.
And all your dreams are losing sleep.
Hot as the sun, and dull as the weather.
Fall from the wall.
Who will put you back together?

I hate to recycle - It's a lot of work
Dividing garbage makes me feel just like a jerk.
Got a carbon footprint the size of Peru.
I like my S.U.V., and my hair spray too.
You want to scold me, but before you begin.
I was so hungry once...

I ate a vegan
Yeah, I ate a vegan

Sure, I could set my heat, a few degrees lower,
But then it would only get warmer... slower
Eco friendly bulbs are more respectful
But toss all my old light bulbs, well that's neglectful!
You want to rebuke me, but before you begin.
Well, you've heard the story...
I ate a vegan
Yeah, I ate a vegan

You know I like to triple bag it.
Wasting trees, is disrespectful as Bob Saget.
There are plenty of ways to save our ecology
And I'm no expert in Paleoclimatology
And look, while I agree
That I could be more green
I think you're really missing the bigger point of the song here

I ate a vegan
Yeah, I ate a vegan...